To Flee or Not to Flee

Photo by Urban Eys Photography

We often hear that women are from Venus and men are from Mars and given the differences, that is certainly true in some aspects. Today however, it appears that men and women are more than just worlds apart. Men are finding it harder to read and understand women, and women are finding it difficult to remain interested. Times have certainly changed and with the changes women have gained independence, careers and autonomy. Women have gained strength, a voice and assertion, skills that were once reserved only for men.

I recently read an interesting article about women who end relationships simply because they fear marriage. Whilst in the past, it used to be men who feared the interminable commitment of marriage, women of today are developing the so called ’cold feet’. There are a number of reasons for this, however it has become increasingly apparent that many women today feel like they have more options, and should thus ’explore’ these options prior to settling down.

With the Independence gained, education and career opportunities, women no longer rely on men to be their bread winner. More often than not, women in relationships also work full time and have their own career aspirations. Additionally, the emergence of the ’stay at home dad’ is also on the increase.

The concept of the independent women is also contributing to the rise of fear engulfing many women. That is, fear of loosing such independence, and freedom. I have a friend who has been in and out of relationships, and whilst I have seen some of the duds she has been with, there has been the one or two who have been decent, even husband material. Nevertheless, my friend has always ended the relationship after a period of time, especially if the ’M’ word was casually leaked into conversation. I often asked her why she failed to hold on to the good ones, and her response was always the same. She feared loosing her independence, sense of self and ability to make her own decisions without having to consult someone else.

Today, this fear is preventing many relationships from moving forward. Some women make the commitment and get engaged, however as the wedding day approaches, they start to sense the anxiety and begin reflecting and contemplating other possibilities. Needless to say, many of these relationships thus do not progress to the marriage stage.

For men, understanding what a woman wants is proving to be difficult. Women of today are also enjoying the freedom of casual sex with no strings attached. Whilst it’s perfectly ok for women to also have this luxury (men have had if forever without the labels attached), some men are finding it difficult to know when to expect more from a relationship, or when to simply accept as being a ’bed buddy’ agreement.

Role reversal has certainly changed, and chances are it’s going to continue to change. Author Audrey Chapman identifies four main types of commitment phobic women. Firstly she identifies the women who are the party goers, setting themselves up in relationships that they know will fail and never amount to anything, and then complaining about how terrible all men are and how all their relationships fail. These types of women have a self-fulfilling tendencies to enter relationships with men whom they know are not ’Mr right’ in order to reinforce their generalised opinions of men, and refrain from commitment.

Type number two enters relationships whereby she leaves and then returns to the same failing relationship. Once again, another tactic to avoid long term commitment. Men find these particularly annoying, as it wastes everybody’s time, and makes all parties involved unsure of what the future holds. For someone who is willing to commit, this can be extremely unsettling.

Type number three adopts the detective approach, and no ladies, this does not mean snooping around (although we are all guilty of having snooped at least once). The detective woman is in constant search of the ’perfect’, the handsome man, the masculine man, the professional man, the wealthy man, the funny man and the man with the model body. Her man is successful if he fits the entire criteria, otherwise he is not ’perfect’. Once again another tactic to find fault and end the relationship.

Finally, the dissector find a great man, and then pulls him apart bit by bit. He doesn’t wear the right clothes, drive the right car, earn the right amount of money, he’s starting to bald, he’s putting on weight and so forth. We can all imagine what this would be like. After running him into the ground and making him feel like the biggest looser, she flees the scene. For women like this, nobody will ever fit their stringent requirements.

The issue that most men are having today is picking women who are commitment phobic apart from the ones that aren’t. Whilst women can pick a player from miles away, men unfortunately fail to possess such abilities. Men often meet women with open minds. This does not mean that they lack standards, most men have a’ standard’, however men do not identify faults as easily as women. This is true according to a friend of mine who finds it highly amusing that her husband thinks that the cellulite on her bottom are simply dimples. He actually finds her more attractive because of her ’dimple’ bottom. For my friend, this is great as she doesn’t have to feel so self conscious. Obviously not all men can be easily led to believe such fallacy, however it paints my point clearly. Men don’t notice all flaws easily, especially if its somebody they like and would like to get to know better.

Whilst pressures in society on women to marry continue to exist, the concept of marriage and commitment is certainly creating confusion amongst men. The ideology surrounding marriage and commitment is changing rapidly, and whilst humans continue to embrace the concept of marriage and living happily ever after, many of us are allowing our now extremely high expectations to cloud our vision and prevent us from saying ’ I do’.

To combat these commitment issues and get on with finding Mr Right, or Mrs Right for any guys that may be reading this article, individuals who find themselves feeling anxious and sick at the thought of long term commitment need to do a few things. Firstly, cultivating self awareness and being honest with your self is important. Ask yourself what you want in life, and then find ways to get what you want. Be mindful that perfection is not attainable. The concept of ’perfect’ is only ever perfect to one person. Others may not consider perfect to be the same as what you consider perfect. We all have our flaws, and wouldn’t be who we are without them. Embrace these flaws and think of them as being different and diverse rather than bland and boring. Accept responsibility for your life decisions, and remember that only you have control over what happens. The decisions you make result in the outcomes and consequences your encounter and experience. Face your fears head on and take a chance. You only live once, and letting something great pass you by simply because you contact the ’what if’ bug only results in poor outcomes. Lastly, never lose faith in yourself and who you are as an individual. We all make mistakes, and sometimes a mistake is worth making if it teaches you a great lesson. Pick yourself up and keep going because you are bound to run smack bang into Mr Right.

We all enter relationships without knowing what is going to happen. Whilst we can feel apprehensive at times, it certainly should not prevent us from possibly encountering a great experience. Too many of us these days place the bar way too high, making it impossible for anyone to reach it. It’s no wonder that so many relationships fail. Having respectable expectations is fine, but expecting the impossible is not. Relationships are never easy, if they are then something is not totally right. Relationships are about encountering difference and diversity, this is what keeps us interested (and on our toes). The perfect painting can often be peeled away to reveal a not so perfect first attempt. Life is about trial and error,but it is these very learnings that make us who we are and pave the path for where we want to go.

Kiss the Bride Wedding Directory